daily tarot card: the World

the world
the world, morgan greet tarot

I find that the World doesn’t “say” much but rather implies an emotion or state of being.  I starting journaling about this card not knowing what to say, thinking that I didn’t have much to say, but as tarot and journaling go, once I got started, the associations were easy to make.

I’ve been playing around with a word for 2019 — flow — and I feel it in this card.  I saw an image a while ago that was a venn diagram labeled discipline in one circle, surrender in another, and the overlapping bit read “flow.”  It struck me how these concepts relate in that way.  The graphic reminded me of the quotation, “Discipline is the cornerstone of freedom.”  It’s a concept I struggle with, particularly in my creative life.  I keep this fantastical idea that when creativity strikes, everything flows, and hard work becomes a pleasure, but in reality, creativity is work just like any other job or calling, and requires dedication.  I heard a phrase on a podcast a couple weeks ago, “when discipline becomes devotion,” and that’s exactly this idea of flow in life, in creativity.

This is how I feel the World.  There is a sense of surrender, the discipline that got us here, that still lingers, and the flowing sweetness that is the continuing journey.

We never fully reach an “end” or “completion” though.  This Alan Watts speech came to mind:

The existence, the physical universe, is basically playful.  There is no necessity for it whatsoever.  It isn’t going anywhere.  That is to say, it doesn’t have some destination that it ought to arrive at … We simply cheated ourselves a whole way down the line.  We thought of life by analogy with a journey, with a pilgrimage, which had a serious purpose at the end, that the thing was to get to that end: success, or whatever it is or maybe heaven after you’re dead.  But we missed the point, the whole way along, it was a musical thing and you were supposed to sing or to dance while the music was being played.

Life is the flow of play.  The World reminds me of that state of being.  The World asks me to drop in, to pay attention to the cycles, to let the feelings, experiences, this sense of being, flow through me.


I am blogging my experiences here with Beth Maiden’s Alternative Tarot Course which asks students to draw a card each day, reflect on it, complete weekly readings, and other assorted exercises.

Scary Couples Therapy

I had a therapy session with my partner yesterday.  We’ve been seeing this therapist since the beginning of the year, and we both enjoy attending the sessions and find value in our conversations.  She calls us on our bullshit and pushes us where we are uncomfortable.  And, boy, we’ve been uncomfortable.  We’ve been resistant, hesitant, lazy, and scared.  But we’ve also been successful, begun healing, busted barriers, and continue to grow together with her assistance.  It’s a practice: showing up, trying things to see what works, and then trying something else.

We were extremely resistant about starting couples therapy.  We were confused about why our “young” relationship needed such work.  Shouldn’t this be easy?  Shouldn’t this be something people who are married 20 years need, not a couple that has only been together for 5 years?  Are we failing?  Are we trying to scoop water out of our sinking boats with barehands?  The answer to all those questions, of course, is yes, and no.

One thing I realized yesterday is that we have gone through more shit together in 5 years than a lot of those couples who have been together for 20 years.  He was in school, I was in school (nursing school = hell), he moved away, his brother died by suicide, my grandparents passed away, I moved away, he started school again, we moved in together, and some other things that are too big and too private and maybe one day I’ll write about them, but that day is not today.  So, damn, yeah, it’s like we can’t catch a break.

But, we’re still together, and that is thanks to hard work and consistent practice.  Couples therapy is like that buzzword “shadow work” on a massive scale.  To be honest, I’ve never seen a therapist on my own, so I don’t really know how this would compare.  But, sitting on a couch, with the person who you love and trust most in this world and talking about your shame or your past or your hurts is really fucking vulnerable and scary.  You’ve got to pull out everything that is ugly and look at it and talk about it.  You’ve got to accept it or change it.  You’ve got to honor those dark underbelly thoughts and feelings, the things we keep hidden and buried.

I have no doubt my partner would accept me and all of my faults, whatever comes out, but admitting those faults to myself is really the scariest part.  I know I’m getting to something good in therapy when I start to go: “well, umm, yeah, kinda.”  I know I’m getting to something good when I can’t completely own it outright.  95% of the time, our therapist calls us on our shit and is accurate.  100% of the time I resist immediately when someone tells me how to feel.  But then I sit, and I allow, and I know she’s right.  We walk out of our sessions smiling, particularly the sessions that kick us in the ass.

And so yesterday, our therapist tasked us with watching a movie and examining our emotions while doing so.  Not just any movie, a sadass, hold-those-tears-in-because-I-don’t-want-anyone-to-see-me-cry, tear jerker.  Except that she wants us to cry.  There have only been a handful of times that Andy and I have cried in front of each other, and it’s always been stilted, awkward, pretend-I’m-not-really-crying crying.  And let’s be real, that’s pretty fucked up.  I love and trust this person more than anyone, why can’t our emotions flow with each other?  (I did a tarot spread yesterday on this, and that will be the next blog post ;))

That’s what I’m doing in the next week: watching a movie with my lover and trying to cry.  Give me some recommendations of excellent crying movies!  And, if you’ve seen a couples therapist and want to talk about, I’d love to read your thoughts in the comments!  What was your experience like?  Scary as hell, too?  Or, the opposite?  Let me know in the comments 🙂

exploringly yours,
Alaina x